Preparing your older child for the arrival of a new baby, Dr. Julie

Dr. Julie H. is a pediatrician in private practice with five other physicians, in a suburb of San Francisco. She went to medical school in Chicago, and did her residency in the bay area. She was a chief resident and then a hospitalist before going into private practice. She’s also a mom with two sons (4 and 1).

First, give yourself a pat on the back for even reading this. You are probably so exhausted right now. The fact that you even considered reading this is a huge testament to what a great parent you are.

Going from One to Two
It’s totally normal to obsess over your new baby, especially when it’s your first. When number two comes along, that’s when things tend to get a little more complicated.

I have two amazing boys, and when I got pregnant with my second, I remember feeling a little guilty about how much of my attention was focused on my first.

I was so bonded to my first that I couldn’t imagine having enough love for another. Moreover, I didn’t know how I was going to make each one feel like they had a unique place in my life.

The reality is that no matter how old your first is, you worry that they’ll feel neglected and hurt, and you love them so much that it’s hard not to obsess over the arrival of the next child.

Being a pediatrician makes this process a little easier for me—I’ve heard moms talk about this for years. Now that my youngest is 18-months old, the list of tips I’ve collected over the years has taken on a whole new (and much more realistic) meaning.

END OF THE FIRST TRIMESTER – BREAK THE NEWS
In my experience, how and when you tell your older kids that a new baby is coming will set the tone for the whole pregnancy, and the months after it.

STEP 1: Start early – You can’t wait until the baby is born to get the older child ready.  You need to pick an appropriate time to let your older kids know you’re pregnant. The younger your kids are, the less likely they are to notice your baby bump. But, as kids age, it gets harder to hide.

• It’s far better to tell them than to have them figure it out on their own. That could lead to a feeling that you’re hiding something from them. And you can make it a fun, big surprise—the reality is most kids are excited to hear they are having a sibling.
• Make it fun to talk about the new baby before the little bundle arrives. Let’s be honest, it’s usually after #2 is born that things can get a little – how shall we say it – “trying.” But more on that later.

STEP 2: Establish a timeframe – Younger kids won’t understand if you tell them the baby is coming in five months. What does five minutes even mean?

• Try using a seasonal activity that has a positive association. If the baby’s coming in the fall, tell the kids that the baby is coming around Halloween. A spring baby can come at Easter or when the flowers start to bloom. Summer babies can come when you go to visit grandma every year, or when they start swim classes.
• Tying the timeframe to something positive gives it a more comfortable and positive association.

STEP 3: Answer questions honestly – At some point every child will ask, where do babies come from? Based on your faith, or lack thereof, you can answer your child’s questions in a number of ways.

• Believers might say that God decided to bring your family a new baby. If you’re not religious, its okay to say mom and dad worked together to make a new baby for the family.
• If the kids ask why – and they will – you can tell them all the great things about having a baby brother or sister: a new friend, someone else to love, more birthday parties, etc.
• Keep it positive, but try to give them as much information as they need to feel comfortable.

SECOND TRIMESTER: BUILD A FOUNDATION
Once you’ve broken the news, you want to read the room and let things breathe a little. Most kids will get very excited and be thrilled. Some will get upset, and some will act like you just told them what the weather was going to be like today – in Antarctica – and then they’ll ask you to hurry up with that next episode of Curious George.

STEP 1: Don’t misread the room: I’ve seen kids that were ecstatic about a new baby, right up until the baby was born. Then, all of sudden they felt like the baby was stealing mommy and that was the worst thing ever. I’ve also seen a few kids who couldn’t care less about a new baby, or who cried every time the baby was mentioned, right up until birth. You just never know how a child is going to react.

STEP 2: Remind your child that they were a baby once too: No matter how your kids react to the news, you want to start acclimating them to the idea of what life with a baby will be like.

• Bring out old pictures, talk about diapers and feedings, and waking up in the middle of the night.
• Tell stories about them as a baby and describe funny things the new baby might do.

STEP 3: Get your older kids involved in the preparation: Chances are that you’ll have far less time to prep for the second baby than you did with the first. You’re already a busy parent.

• Don’t let a busy schedule be an excuse. If you rush through the process, you won’t allow your child to be a part of the “nesting” that needs to go on.
• Kids can feel like the house is changing and they have no control. So try to think of small things they can do or make for the baby’s room so that they can feel like they’re contributing.

12 TO 8 WEEKS TO GO: START ROUNDING THINGS OUT
As your pregnancy draws to a close, there are a few more things I encourage parents to do.

STEP 1: Visit other babies: If you don’t have friends with kids, make some.

• Go to a mommy-and-me class for newborns and take your child along, or hang out at a park and “stalk” new moms with babies.
• Bottom line is that you want your child to see babies and feel comfortable around them. Moreover, you want them to see you holding another baby (if possible) so they can get used to it.

STEP 2: Have your child involved in the naming process: It’s easy to fear the unknown, which is why we name everything in our culture.

• It’s actually comforting to name things you’re afraid of because it removes some of the mystery and makes the problem seem more tangible and addressable.
• New siblings can be scary, so have your little one help you pick a name. It’s a good idea to come up with a short list of names you really like and ask your child to weigh-in on their favorite. (Otherwise George and Spiderman may top the list).

STEP 3: Show off the ultrasound and heartbeat: If you have the opportunity, take your child to an ultrasound appointment so they can see their new brother or sister.

• Similar to the naming process, seeing something – even when its an ultrasound – can make it more real and less frightening for a child.
• It can also get them excited about becoming a big brother or sister.

STEPS TO MAINTAINING YOUR SANITY AFTER THE BABY COMES
I truly believe that the most important thing you can do is make time for yourself, and for your older child.

• You time: Your new baby is getting a lot of time and attention, by design. So make a little time to have lunch with someone you love, to read a pointless magazine for 15 minutes, or to watch that episode of the Bachelor you can’t believe you still care about. You will feel like so much more of a person, just for taking a teeny bit of time for yourself.
• One-on-one time: Make time to spend with your older one(s). Even if you just take an extra 15 minutes to put them to bed at night, the extra time will pay dividends. The newbie can scream for 5 more minutes, it really won’t change anything.
• Special activities: It can also be great if you develop a weekly routine where you and your oldest do something together for the family that’s fun, like making pancakes on Sunday mornings. Whatever it is, make sure your older child knows how special that time is to you, and it will go miles in smoothing out the whole process.

Nothing you do can make the transition to a new baby totally seamless, but you can make things a little more predictable and less volatile. And, truly, don’t worry! You CAN love two, three, four, five, really, any number of kids, you really can!